he's right

i really am a complete failure and seth and i both know it.

between writing the previous entry and yesterday, i completely fucked up. again. i keep waking up in the middle of the night completely starving. and for some reason i have no self control whatsoever, so i get up and have a bowl of frosted flakes and a mountain dew. the messed up part is that I KNOW that it makes me gain weight. a couple years ago when i had insomnia really bad, i would eat in the middle of the night and it caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. i'm at a complete loss as to what to do with myself. i want to throw up so badly right now and i know that i shouldn't. the only way that i really know how to lose weight is to more or less just stop eating. and exercise constantly. i'm going to the gym tonight. i should have gone yesterday but i had a really bad headache. yeah i know it's an excuse.

 

i fucking hate myself right now.

 

i talk alot. i always catch myself saying "i will so dress like that when i get skinny" but do i ever take any kind of step towards doing so? nope. not really. i really did feel the best when i was doing atkins and walking everyday. i lost about 10 pounds in a couple weeks, clothes were starting to fit better. i wasn't getting headaches constantly. i actually felt good. so why did i stop? because it was hard to stay on track? because i messed up for the millionth time and didn't want to start over again? because i don't always feel like counting every single thing i eat? no. it was because i keep convincing myself that i really don't care. i have 'good' days where i end up convincing myself that i look fine the way i am. but deep down, i know that i don't.

 

it's so much easier to be miserable and fat than to actually do anything about it. why can't i have the same willpower now that i did when i was 18? probably because i'm not massively depressed anymore. i lost a lot of weight back then. i felt so freaking good about it too. it made me so happy when people would tell me how great i looked. i want that again. i really truly want that again.
 

but now, i'm making excuses everytime i think about starting a diet and exercising. the main one being, i don't have the money to buy healthy food. well honestly, that is complete bullshit. if i have the money to buy junk food than i sure as hell have the money to buy some meat and vegetables. hell, i have a whole freezer full of meat, i just need some fresh veggies and i'll be good. it really comes down to the fact that i'm lazy and don't want to learn how to cook. for some reason i see eating healthy as a chore, because it's so much easier to walk into a 7-11 and grab a donut and coke for breakfast than it is to make bacon and eggs before i leave the house.