i want

i want to be healthy.

i want to be more active.

i want to be comfortable in my clothing.

i want to look good in a bathing suit.

i want to feel pretty.
i want to learn self control.

i want to say "i'm going to run in a marathon" and actually do it.

i want to believe in myself.

i want to be strong.

i want to actually reach my goal.

 

 

i need to do all of those things.

i know that i can.
 

weight watchers

after a ton of debate with myself, i decided to try weight watchers instead of atkins. there are 2 main reasons: a) with weight watchers, it's not as strict with what i can and can not eat and b) i really don't have the money to go grocery shopping because i ran out of meat or whatever when i have tons of other healthy food in the house that is too high in carbs to be included on the atkins diet.

 

maybe i should clarify though, i'm following the weight watchers program, but i'm not attending meetings. i still have all of the books and information from last year when i actually was attending meetings. my problem though with the meetings is that they made me incredibly uncomfortable.

lack of motivation

i didn't even bother trying to stay on my diet over the weekend. as of friday evening, i totally gave up for 2 and a half days. oddly enough i'm really not pissed off at myself for it. slightly irritated, but definitely not upset or angry. i also maintained the weight i was at on friday. granted that won't be happening again anytime soon, but yeah. as for this week.. i have no idea what to do for food. i'm pretty much out of low carb foods and i don't get paid until wednesday. until then i have exactly $4. and i need to put gas in my car. i'm good for breakfasts and probably lunch too, but it's dinner i have the problem with. i suppose i could eat pork chops and green beans for dinner the next 2 days but green beans have a lot of carbs and that meal gets pretty tiring after a night or so.

 

i also really need to start working out again. i haven't been to the gym in almost two weeks.

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i feel better

well, here is the link to my profle on fitday.

 

i started atkins again yesterday. i'm actually doing well so far. and i really haven't had any cravings. last night was a bit difficult because it was loriens birthday and paula made a homemade white cake. my favorite cake. and i didn't even have a taste. i'm so proud of me. i did have a small dish of some kind of no sugar added, low carb, chocolate brownie ice cream and i still managed to stay under my 20 carbs for the day. today i feel better. i'm actually in a pretty good mood. i'm looking forward to going home and having dinner with seth.

he's right

i really am a complete failure and seth and i both know it.

between writing the previous entry and yesterday, i completely fucked up. again. i keep waking up in the middle of the night completely starving. and for some reason i have no self control whatsoever, so i get up and have a bowl of frosted flakes and a mountain dew. the messed up part is that I KNOW that it makes me gain weight. a couple years ago when i had insomnia really bad, i would eat in the middle of the night and it caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. i'm at a complete loss as to what to do with myself. i want to throw up so badly right now and i know that i shouldn't. the only way that i really know how to lose weight is to more or less just stop eating. and exercise constantly. i'm going to the gym tonight. i should have gone yesterday but i had a really bad headache. yeah i know it's an excuse.

 

i fucking hate myself right now.

 

i talk alot. i always catch myself saying "i will so dress like that when i get skinny" but do i ever take any kind of step towards doing so? nope. not really. i really did feel the best when i was doing atkins and walking everyday. i lost about 10 pounds in a couple weeks, clothes were starting to fit better. i wasn't getting headaches constantly. i actually felt good. so why did i stop? because it was hard to stay on track? because i messed up for the millionth time and didn't want to start over again? because i don't always feel like counting every single thing i eat? no. it was because i keep convincing myself that i really don't care. i have 'good' days where i end up convincing myself that i look fine the way i am. but deep down, i know that i don't.

 

it's so much easier to be miserable and fat than to actually do anything about it. why can't i have the same willpower now that i did when i was 18? probably because i'm not massively depressed anymore. i lost a lot of weight back then. i felt so freaking good about it too. it made me so happy when people would tell me how great i looked. i want that again. i really truly want that again.
 

but now, i'm making excuses everytime i think about starting a diet and exercising. the main one being, i don't have the money to buy healthy food. well honestly, that is complete bullshit. if i have the money to buy junk food than i sure as hell have the money to buy some meat and vegetables. hell, i have a whole freezer full of meat, i just need some fresh veggies and i'll be good. it really comes down to the fact that i'm lazy and don't want to learn how to cook. for some reason i see eating healthy as a chore, because it's so much easier to walk into a 7-11 and grab a donut and coke for breakfast than it is to make bacon and eggs before i leave the house.

 

the why

i'm finally serious about losing weight. finally for the 500th time it feels like. i'm really trying to find something that works for me, because so far nothing really has. actually i take that back. atkins works great, i just don't have the money to by specialty foods and meat all the time. that and it's relatively inconvenient with having to leave early for work and not knowing how to cook. that and i like fruit dammit.

so here's the vital statistics:
current weight: 255
height: 5'9"
recommended weight: 140 - 150

diabetes and heart disease both run in my family so i'm incredibly paranoid about that. since i have roughly 100 pounds to lose, i think i'm going to break it up into 4 goals of 25 pounds each with some kind of small reward when i reach each goal. i'm not setting a final end date because i really don't know how fast i lose weight.

goal 1: 230 lbs -
goal 2: 205 lbs -
goal 3: 180 lbs -
goal 4: 155 lbs -